Everyone has first date rules. Your friends… your mother… your favorite blog… Charlotte from Sex & the City… EVERYONE. While I would argue that every specific situation calls for its own assessment and tweaked application of certain rules– there ARE some first date rules which transcend all circumstances.
I recently interviewed Modern Day Matchmaker & Life Coach, Paul Carrick Brunson about his “10 Date Commandments” a cleverly worded parody of a
Modern Day Matchmaker & Life Coach, Co-Founder & President of One Degree From Me
popular interlude from The Notorious B.I.G.’s CD “Life After Death” that discusses rules of dating that are always relevant –
What inspired you to create this song?
Not everyone knows, but I’m a hip hop head. I decided to use the Biggie instrumental because I wanted to present rules that would stand the test of time, and it naturally made sense to use a track that does the same.
I find several of the 10 Date Commandments to be quite notable. Would you share some commentary/ inspiration behind some of the commandments?
(#3) don’t sleep with just anybody
Recent statistics show that 37% of first dates will have some sort of sexual encounter — which is alarmingly high. As a matchmaker, I strive to help people cultivate lasting and meaningful relationships — sex too soon poses an obvious problem to this goal.
(#5) don’t drink too much
This is major! Often a typical first date includes dinner and/ or cocktails.. more than two drinks mixed with the high-stress environment of a first date can equal disaster. My company, One Degree From Me organizes Flow-Dating (speed-date) events in several major cities — the number one negative comment from both sexes is that someone had too much to drink. The bottom line is: being drunk on a 1st date is not cool; it’s an indicator of lacking self-control, and makes for a poor first impression.
“No Lying” — great commandment! Did you come up with this as a result of feedback, or have you experienced this personally?
All feedback!! From clients, from what I’ve observed, from what I’ve read– lying seems to be a disease that many people suffer from. Whats interesting is that it never puts you into a stronger position. When people lie what ends up happening is they have built up a whole persona that isn’t true. Like Chris Rock says, when you first meet someone, you meet their representative — but if you can meet somebody and you go to peel away that first layer & then you peel away a second layer, etc and they’re the same person, you’re going to develop a much greater appreciation for them, rather than realizing three layers down that s/he is not at all what you thought or who they’ve portrayed themselves to be.
Why is “leave them wanting more” essential?
This is key because the essence of romance lies within the uncertainty. Romance stems from the expectation and the mystery of what is to come. Chemically, our attraction is driven by dopamine levels; we need to have novel experiences where our adrenaline rises. So I always say, cut things short– the key is to put that carrot out there… and create that excitement. And more importantly, to establish the notion that when you come back there’s more – that can’t happen if you divulge everything in the first 20 minutes.
From a male matchmaker’s perspective, why is chivalry so important?
People believe its dead. I don’t. Chivalry is an aspect of life that many of us don’t see or understand because of the way that we grew up, or because of certain influences, through media or otherwise that didn’t exemplify or praise the act of being chivalrous. But that doesn’t mean that it’s dead — that simply means that it hasn’t been passed down. Which is why its very important for those of us that DO understand chivalry to present and/ or demonstrate it.
In the song, I mention that chivalry is not for freshmen; it’s for the mature. The easiest way to distinguish between a boy and a man is whether or not he is chivalrous.
Which is your favorite commandment?
My favorite is “(#9) its just a date- try to have fun” because when folks are searching for meaningful relationships that stretch far beyond casual dating, they tend to stress and place pressure on the importance of the success of a date. You can’t allow your biological clock to compel you towards expectations and disappointments when a date doesn’t reveal your soulmate; it’s OK to leave as friends. Remember, the number one way significant others are introduced is through friends & family- you can’t expand your family, but you can expand your friends– he may not be “Mr. Right” but he might be “Mr. Right’s Co-Worker or Golf Buddy”
Are there any other commandments that didn’t make the list?
There are— but that will be in the next song!
To contact Paul, visit www.onedegreefrom.me, follow him on twitter: @OneDegreeFromMe or find him on facebook “Paul Carrick Brunson”
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