Men are constantly asking the question that they don’t really want the answer to: “Does size matter?”¬† Of course it does!¬† If it didn’t, we wouldn’t have secret codewords to describe your members, without hurting your feelings in case you overheard what we said. Duh!
Amongst my small group of friends, there exists a secret language and codewords for numerous topics such that if we ever needed to speak on them in public or around folks outside of the circle, we could completely understand and the rest would be none the wiser.
One of our most notable and laughable codewords are used to describe penis length: ¬†A 1-hander is small: it fits into the palm of one of your hands.¬†Subsequently¬†a 2-hander is identified by placing your second hand above the first one; my girls and I consider this “average”. ¬†Finally, the applauded and coveted 3-or-more-hander is a tool that has space for another hand (or two), after you are already holding it with the two you have! (note half sizes do apply).
You never know when a guy might break out that query “how do I measure up,” so here’s a few guidelines to follow to avoid that overly uncomfortable scenario. ¬†Some lessons in Size Etiquette
1.¬† At ALL times, refrain from stating any size preference or complaints to ANY man you may EVER have an intimate relationship with (past, present, or future).¬† No man wants to walk his dog with you if he thinks you’ll laugh at him because he has a poodle noodle.
2.¬† It’s not nice to talk about people, especially when they are in your presence but if you must, adopt a codeword like our #-handers.¬† Or try other measurable objects like snakes (gardener for small, King Cobra for large) or shoes (flats, stilettos).
3.¬† If your assessment of his package MUST be given, reply that you may have seen larger but have definitely seen significantly smaller.¬† If you wish to have further intimacies with this guy, it’s imperative that you ease his concerns that you like what he’s got.¬† Consider the implications of male preferences towards female bodies and how that affects your own body-conscious perspectives.¬† NEVER outright lie for the sake of an ego stroke, he’ll know you’re lying or figure it out when due-to-anger put-downs come spewing from your mouth circa, “you get on my nerves! …with your teeny peen!”
4.¬† Even if you don’t wish to have another bedroom bash with him, it’s still not polite to joke, point, or otherwise belittle his little guy.¬† You never know when the crazy might come out of someone, and you do not want to be the one who sent him over the edge… just don’t answer his calls.
5.¬† In the event that he IS a 3+hander, don’t overly indulge him with compliments– this makes for a big head (no pun intended) and often unwarranted egotistical behavior.¬† And keep talks of his “Big Ego” strictly among the friends you trust…you know why.
Essentially, all men want to be comforted, if not fully assured in the hopes that they’ve got a perfect orgasm-factory in their pants.¬† Hopefully, these simple steps lay the foundation so you never have to kill their fantasies.¬† May the 4-handers be with you.